I lay there wide awake at 4:46 am, unable to sleep. It had been over seven months since I last saw my service member, and now he was finally home, lying beside me. This is the reality of a service member’s return. My mind and body were stuck in fight-or-flight mode. I was exhausted, having spent so much energy preparing for this moment. I wanted everything to be perfect.
The homecoming date had been pushed back multiple times, and by the time he finally arrived in my arms, it was nearly 2:17 am. After getting him settled at home, I finally drifted off to sleep, only to wake up an hour later. Every deployment ends with a period of reintegration, when families try to reconnect and adjust to life together again.
To an outsider, a service member’s return might seem like nothing but joy — a reunion after months of separation. And while it’s certainly a special time, there’s a lot more happening beneath the surface. The reality of reintegrating into normal life isn’t as seamless as it might seem, and the picture-perfect reunion is often more complicated than it looks. Here’s a glimpse behind the scenes of what it’s really like when a service member comes home after deployment…
It’s far from a fairy tale.
Reintegration can feel awkward—okay, really awkward sometimes. Even with multiple deployments and reintegrations under your belt, the anticipation of your service member coming home can still stir up butterflies in the stomach of even the most seasoned military spouse.
It can also bring a ton of anxiety, leaving you wondering how things will go once your spouse is back. There’s excitement and joy, of course, but the buildup to their return is often a whirlwind of mixed emotions.
The last time my husband came home from deployment, I was a mess. Even after years of going through homecomings, I was still nervous and full of anxiety. And you know what? That’s totally normal. So if you ask a spouse how things went after their military service member came home, it’s okay if they don’t seem overflowing with joy.
Adjustments. Take. Time.
There’s no easy switch to just turn on closeness. Imagine working all the time and then setting aside one evening with your husband, who you’ve barely seen in months. Does he suddenly pour his heart out? Not likely.
In relationships, without quality time, there’s no quality connection. After reintegration, you have to intentionally make time for that closeness again. Depending on how long the separation was, how well communication was during that time, and how much stress the family endured, it can take days, weeks, or even months for everyone to fully adjust.
Reintegration definitely isn’t instant. No matter how long a couple has been together, an adjustment period is inevitable.
For military kids, this transition can be especially hard. Some kids may feel shy or even unfamiliar with the parent who’s returning home, and adjusting to having both parents under one roof again can be tricky. Switching from a single-parent household to a dual-parent one isn’t easy.
It’s tough on everyone.
There’s no family member who isn’t impacted by reintegration in some way. Each person experiences their own challenges as the family tries to come back together.
For some, it’s learning to co-parent again after months of doing it solo. Others may find themselves butting heads over small things like how household chores and cooking are done. Very young children might see their parent as a stranger at first, acting shy or even scared. Older kids might feel angry or hurt by the absence, at least at the beginning.
Support helps.
It can be tough for those outside military life to know how to help, but a sense of community makes all the difference. Simply asking, “How’s it going since your spouse came home?” shows that you care.
Sometimes a military spouse or service member just needs someone to listen, to let them share their experience without judgment. A good listener or a warm hug of encouragement can mean more than you might think. You can also offer, “How can I support you right now?”
Military families don’t always need advice. Often, they just need someone who accepts them for who they are in the moment.
A family might or might not want visitors.
Some families might be eager to welcome visitors right away, but most will appreciate a few days—or even a week—without guests, just to settle in and adjust.
This time is a golden opportunity for the immediate family to reconnect and spend quality time together. So, before you swing by to visit, it’s best to check with the family first and keep visits minimal at first.
It does eventually get better.
Reintegration doesn’t last forever, and yes, it is possible for a family to bounce back to a happy, healthy rhythm in a relatively short time. For some families, it takes just a couple of days of subtle adjustments. For others, it can take weeks or months.
The homecoming of a service member might not play out like the movies or look as picture-perfect as people think—and that’s perfectly okay.
